Saturday, November 5, 2011

Would've Should've Could've - Didn't

I guess tonight I am feeling a little melancholy.  It was a great day overall.  I dropped some more candles off to the store.  When I was in the store there was a woman purchasing my candles too.  Yay!  I spent about 4 hours grocery shopping (two different stores!) and saved a bunch of money.  I found great deals on my jelly jars and had a super good California Kitchen BBQ Chicken Pizza when I got home.  

It was just something I saw that kind of bumped my mood and took me down from my shopping high.  So I am probably a little more sad.  It was nothing sad and I do not want to go into personal details on the subject so I will just get to the point.

In our life, there are many people who will come and go.  Some will stick with us for the long haul, some only for a short period of time.  Some we will remember forever while others will fade away....Only a resemblance...

Today I was reminded of those who have shared parts of my life with me and moved on.  Not that they left me and moved on....But for one reason or another they faded.  I really love to see those people that were special to me happy but it also is a cold hard reality check.  Certain choices I have made in my life sometimes (maybe more often lately) leave me feeling stuck.  

And I guess at this moment I am dwelling on those who I let pass me by and those I wish I would have kept close.  

I am sure that the majority of people feel this way at one point or another.  It is not a new emotion.  In a way I am feeling a sense of loss - over things I had that were wonderful and over things I enjoyed for a fleeting moment.

Life is so complicated yet so simple at the same time.  We can really make it whatever we want it to be.  Even when we feel there is NO choice, there is always a choice -  even if it is undesirable.

I have made some really smart choices in my life and others have been...heartbreaking, complicated, stupid...

The saying "The grass is always greener on the other side" just popped in my head.  But that is really not a great description of this moment.  And in the words of Soundgarden, "The grass is always greener where the dogs are shitting....oh yeah".  Maybe that is more like it :-)

I am feeling quite reflective this evening but more of a subdued saddened reflection.  Not self pity.  Well, maybe a little.  Or pity in myself for letting something pass me by....."Dust in the Wind..."  I could probably describe every emotion I have ever felt in lyric form.

And I also feel a disappointment in myself for allowing certain circumstances to stay the same.  Which is the reason for my passers by.  Because I continue to stay.  Here.  With this feeling.  And I have tried to push past it.  And go.  But here I still sit.  The same.  Sigh.  I have given up some very very very important people in my life.  Just to sit here.  And stay the same.

When I really want to break free.  And go.  Blossom, in a sense.  Now, those that I have passed on have moved on.  Time over time after time.  And when I have the strength, I will have my time.


  1. I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes, it hits me too. And I probably try to over-analyze the whole situation, or friendship, or reason for the decline. In the end, I chalk it up to a season.

    Hope you feel better soon!

  2. I'm sorry you are feeling a little melancholy. As the wonderful song says in the great Toy Story movie: "You've got a friend in me."

  3. Thanks Tami! I feel better today!!! It must have been that extra hour of (NO) sleep :-)